3 Things I Will No Longer Apologize For

A few years ago, while developing a workshop on effective communication during conflict, I stressed the importance of accountability and apologizing.

Saying “I’m sorry” holds a significant place in our relationships, but I wanted to explore what it truly means. When I looked it up, I found that, according to Webster, “sorry” is defined as feeling sorrow or regret.

Starting to advocate for self with IH

Almost immediately I asked myself, why did I say “I’m sorry” when explaining my needs as an individual with IH? I did not intentionally use the term, but it would automatically come out.

Then it hit me!

3 things I will no longer apologize for

Subconsciously I felt shame for having needs that were different from those around me. I perceived that communicating my needs was “wrong” and I needed to apologize for it. That was an eye-opening realization for me.

In that moment, I decided I would no longer apologize for having IH.

I will not apologize for prioritizing my needs over the existing plans

When spending time with family or friends, I found myself saying things like “I’m sorry, I need to go take a nap.” I made this statement to excuse myself from the group. I did not intend for it to sound like I was sorry that I needed to take a nap.

I surely do not feel sorrow or regret about napping. I consider naps to be a mandatory part of my treatment plan to manage my IH symptoms.

Now when I need to separate from the group, I simply say “Excuse me. I am going to take a nap.” Or “Excuse me. I need to step away for a moment.” I do not apologize for taking my high blood pressure medicine and my naps do not require one either.

I will not apologize for requesting an accommodation from my employer - I am entitled to it

“I’m sorry, but I need to request a reasonable accommodation.”

It is interesting how many people I have heard apologize for the need to exercise their right to equal employment opportunities.

I have worked in employment civil rights and anti-discrimination for 12 years. But when I needed an accommodation, I also felt compelled to “ease the impact” of my request by including an apology.

Frankly, I mourn the reality that anyone with a disability feels compelled to avoid requesting an accommodation or the need to lead with an apology when advocating for themselves. My disability is not an inconvenience to the organization, and I will not apologize for needing it.

I will not apologize for having boundaries

I have great friends and family. I am passionate about my volunteer work with a local non-profit organization.

I love supporting my 17-year-old nephew in his year-round pursuit to achieve his basketball goals.

With that, I had no boundaries as it came to these important aspects of my life. I would work my full-time job, fight traffic for an hour, then take my nephew to basketball practice.

During the 2-hour practice, I would take quick nap in the car and then work on event planning, respond to emails, and make calls. Nephew and I made it back home in time to throw something in the air fryer and get 5 hours of sleep and repeat. This describes one of my lighter days.

There is nothing wrong with saying “yes.”

But I said “yes” to everyone at the same time. Eventually, I realized that every time I said “yes” to someone, I was telling myself “no” to the rest I so desperately needed.

I was burned-out, anxiety at an all time high, I was exhausted, and I began to have feelings of resentment. I was saying “no” to my peace.

Establishing boundaries with idiopathic hypersomnia

That was my changing point. I decided to learn how to develop healthy boundaries and I will not apologize for doing so.

Literally… a bought a book on it lol. My life desperately needed a reset.

I stepped down from most of my volunteer responsibilities at the non-profit. I no longer work extra hours for my day job.

Instead of traveling with my nephew to most of his games, I now attend around 60%. Many days he takes an uber to practice so I can reclaim some evenings to rest.

What if others are dissapointed?

This has been the most challenging change. After hearing “no” from me for the first time, some relationships took a hit.

I miss the community events and a lot of social time with friends. I also spend more money with the Ubers. But my wellness is worth every penny.

I will not apologize for implementing boundaries and telling myself “yes.”

Changing how I relate to idiopathic hypersomnia

I am on a journey to remove my old thinking and adopt a way of life that priorities my needs.

I am determined to do what is best for me to manage my symptoms in a way that is honoring to my temple and does not present chronic illnesses with shame.

“I’m sorry” is just one short phrase, however there is power in the tongue. Words can harm or heal. By removing that phrase from my communications, I am transforming how I advocate for myself, my needs, and how I present myself and my IH to others.