Dating with a Sleep Disorder (Idiopathic Hypersomnia)

I've been waiting to write about this until I'd gone on a couple of dates. Call me the next Lena Dunham, really putting myself out there, my disastrous love life on full display for all of y'all.

Like most painful things in life, dating included, I tend to cope with the awkward and unpredictable by telling myself it's fine to do it for the plot, leaning on really good friends, and telling everyone about the ways men have disappointed me. So, like a good anthropologist, I observed, scoffed at times, and recorded my findings below.

There were two main areas I struggled with.

Deciding when to tell someone about idiopathic hypersomnia

Figuring out when, or whether, it's ever a good time to tell someone you have a debilitating sleep disorder, and deciding whether that person is worth your time, worth the effort, worth the explanation, and worth your precious awake hours.

Finding the energy to date with IH

Having enough energy to actually meet people, go out, and sustain that effort over time.

But let's step back. Dating today requires a kind of intentionality I don't think our parents or grandparents ever had to deal with.

My grandparents met at the soda counter. My parents met in first grade. There were no apps, no text messages to respond to, no missed connections on Reddit. You decided then and there if you wanted to continue, or you moved on.

So dating, period, is already a challenge. Never mind the excessive sleepiness.

For this piece, I went on dates with people I matched with on apps and people I met in everyday life.

The pros and cons of dating apps with IH

The upside of apps when you have a chronic illness: swiping takes minimal effort. All your prospects are right there while you're lying in bed, and you can decide at your own pace whether to spend your precious awake hours with a stranger. You also get to control how you present yourself.

Something I've noticed is that there are months when I'm feeling better and looking healthier than others. Apps let you put forward your most authentic, most energetic self. When it's just a few photos and a prompt, you get that control.

The downside is that you might waste a precious evening on someone who isn't worth it. I've gone through stretches where I stopped saying yes to dates entirely because I felt like my energy was being spent on people that I didn't see any future dates with.

The key, I think, is trusting your gut and not overcommitting to something that will set you back. There are so many people out there with so many different challenges and gifts, but your health and your existing relationships have to come first. Those are your people.

Canceling dates and deciding what to share about IH

There were times I cancelled because I wasn't feeling well. Sometimes I told the person why (I have a debilitating disorder); other times I came up with another excuse. I've come to believe that when you don't know someone, you don't owe them the full truth. You can share it, but you don't have to.

I also want to be honest about something harder: not everyone will be able to support you. When my ex and I were together, he was incredibly supportive of my need for extra rest, but ultimately we couldn't give each other what we each needed. That's real, and I had to make peace with it.

What I've learned about telling partners I have IH

After a few months of dating, I've landed here: you don't need to tell everyone everything, and that includes whether you have idiopathic hypersomnia. Erratic texts at odd hours are, honestly, pretty normal in the current dating era anyway.

What I found was that after several dates and reasonably consistent texting, if I wanted to keep seeing someone, I'd bring up how IH actually impacts my life, usually in a casual way. Most were compassionate but it can be difficult to feel like you have to explain something that people might not understand, or care to understand.

I'd love to know how it's going out there for other IH folks so leave a comment below on how your dating with IH journey is going.